May was a pretty tumultuous month. There were two deaths in Austin’s family, two close friends had family deaths, and another close friend was nearly killed in a motorcycle accident. If nothing else, I leave May with an accute reminder of my mortality. Quite literally one day you are here and the next day you are gone, and there’s no way of really knowing when that day is.
I’m sure I’m not the only person to vow to live life more fully and thoughtfully in the aftermath of death. I’m sure I’m not the only person to completely loose sight of those vows a few weeks later. Why is it that we feel the need to change our lives when someone dear has died? No amount of YOLOing is going to bring that person back. Living life to the fullest can only be done by those still living. In searching for the meaning in death we impose these expectations on ourselves to be better people in an attempt to find peace in the chaos and calm the pain in our hearts. The problem with these vows we make is that they are usually grand and absolutely fleeting.
“I’m going to get healthy.” “I’m going to start saving.” “I’m going to travel.” “I’m going to work out.”
Though lovely sentiments, these statements are far too broad and don’t have an approachable starting point making them daunting.
With all the madness that May brought to my life, I wanted to vow to make my life better in some way but I also wanted my death-indused new lease on life to be acheiveable. I’m accutely aware that I spend far too much time on the couch watching Iron Chef on demand instead of doing some of the activities I find rewarding. Now is the time to remember what I love. I’m a creator. I enjoy filming videos and writing blog posts so why I am doing those things so infrequently? I’m literally the only person who gets a say in how often I do this so why am I stopping myself?
I vow to film twice a week and not let another week go by before I edit the videos (really have to work on that part). I vow to write a blog post at least once a week. This is so theraputic, if nothing else, at least I feel good at the end of it. I think that’s all the acheiveability I have in me right now. Would I love to go above and beyond? Yeah, of course, but this is what I can handle for now. There are other things I love as well, like cooking and gardening (though my sneezing may tell a different story), but my online presence is always the first to get hit hard when I get busy. I vow to be here more, as much as I can.